Smart Lady

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book," she replies,
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again,
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Suicide

A new way to solve suicide incident.
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Potential problem with Obama presidency

_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Wife intervention...Yr Haha for this week!

'White' wife intervention
Watch the cartoon, it will change by itself..

_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Merry Christmas from your Investment Banker

Investment Banking 2008 Christmas Card and Latest Christmas carol for 2008, !!!

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why:
Recession is coming to town.

in moments like this......there will be light......and sing your heart out.....
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Arc Flash

I believe the technical guy making a mistake and cause the short circuit.

Please don't try this at home.
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Crazy Frog or The Crazy Cameraman

_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

High Speed Corner Driving Skills

From Italy

From Singapore

From Malaysia

From Germany

From Hong Kong

From China

From Korea

From Indonesia

_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Sperm Education

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

“As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.

Address it and say, “I’m a Sperm.” She will answer, I’m the Egg.” From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?”

The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, “Then, good luck!”

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel.

A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.

He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, “Hi, I’m a sperm.”

The red sticky ball smiles and says, “Hi. I’m a tonsil.”
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Best Position in Bed - (+18)

WARNING !!!
Only for adults
If you are Minor, Please Don't Scroll Down !
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*












































What were you Thinking ?


_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

HR memo to staff : CURSING AT WORK !!

Memo: Cursing at Work
Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner..

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late ..
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Men and Shopping

Why one wife now chooses to shop alone

HERE's proof of what can happen when a woman drags her highly disinterested husband or boyfriend along when shopping. This letter was sent by a British hypermart to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs Murray,
While we thank you for your valued patronage and use of our store loyalty card, the manager of our store is considereing banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of just some of the offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras :

• 15 Jun : Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
• 2 Jul : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at five-minute intervals.
• 14 Aug : Moved a "Caution - Wet floor" sign to a carpeted area.
• 4 Oct : Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror to pick his nose.
• 3 Dec : Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.
• 18 Dec : Hid in a clothing rack and yelled, "Pick me, pick me!"
• 23 Dec : Went into a fitting room, shut the door, then yelled very loudly : "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,
Store Manager

-Spotted by Derrick Soo
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Questions on Men‏

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.

Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...

Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which onewould hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????

Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: i) no mind ii) no business

Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Question: What is the difference between men and pigs?
Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have nointention of driving.

Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Answer: Exchange him!!

Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.

Pass this on to some women who need a laugh..
and to men who can handle it!
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Lavalise

The Rubberboy show... unbelievable bending all parts of his body ... you will feel likely to shout ouch !!!
Please don't try this at home !!!

_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

A Funny HR Memo

To all Employees:

Effective January 2009

Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

HolidayDays

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

4 Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Management

_______________________________________

by blogatouille

web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Height of Communication GAP

A 'little' humour from Toastmasters.

Height of Communication GAP

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: 'I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody.'

The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. ' Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? '

'Yes...... speaking'

Guy, 'You're a month overdue, you know!'

'How do YOU know?' stammers the young woman.

'Well, ma'am, it's in our files!' says the guy .

'What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????'

'Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue'

'GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much.......... ..'

'Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue'

'I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight...... he will speak to your company tomorrow '

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.

'What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?' the husband shouts.

'Just calm down,' says the lady at the reception at Elecric Company , 'it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us..'

'PAY you? and if I refuse?'

'Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off..'

'And what would my wife do then?' the husband asks.

'I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle.'
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Shopping in China !!!

A man went on a business to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happen if this does not work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China . We read from the right to the left.'
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear 'the rules'

From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. These are all numbered '1'

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon

Or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball,football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -To give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -To give them a bigger laugh.

_______________________________________

by blogatouille

web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

No Candid Camera In Russia !

Here is why there is no candid camera in Russia !
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Another Chinese product recall

Another serious problem with defective Chinese products, Where will it end!!

Beware!!!!!!!
Wal-mart is selling lounge chairs made in China, and the plastic is very very cheap and thin.
Purchase at your own risk.



Those cheap Wal-Mart chairs.
Don't buy them.
HA HA HA ........................................
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

Gay Parents

Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
_______________________________________
by blogatouille
web : jokes2all.blogspot.com

We're Back! Did You Miss Us ?

Wow! Have we gone off the radar or what? It’s been almost half a year since our last post, but we are still with you. Stay in tune!